The Day of a Thousand Tears

Last week was a very tearful week for me.  When we found out that Steve was leaving we also got word that upon his return from Afghanistan we would be moved to a new base.  We also got word that we would be able to pick a few of our top choices of places to move.  We were so excited!  Our first pick would have been Omaha.  There was talk of buying a house for the kids and I to move into while Steve was away.  There were hopes of getting that follow-on assignment to Offutt AFB.  There was also talk of Steve finishing up the last two years of his service to be eligible to retire and we would stay in Omaha.   To have an end in sight was a bright ray of sunlight in this very stormy season of our lives.  

We went to Omaha and looked at houses.  I fell in love with one house in particular and we were seriously considering putting an offer on this beautiful home.  

All that changed after we arrived back home.  The following Monday, Steve called the Air Force Personnel Center to begin the work on our follow-on assignment.  The information that he was told sent me into an emotional tail spin.  There would be no follow on assignment upon his return.  We will stay at Scott AFB for the remainder of our original tour.  Which happens to be four years.  We have already been here 2.3 years and after he returns our time will hit the 3.5 year mark.  He will literally have 7 months left at Scott before we will be eligible for our regularly scheduled move.  It seemed so silly to me.   Why not just move us a few months earlier?  There are a lot of other things in the works that we have no control over.  Things that have to do with where Steve is in his career.  Good things!  They are things that will help him advance in his career.  The reality, is that we feel God is closing that exit door again.  For whatever reason, every time Steve has  thought out loud that he might want to get out of the Air Force, God has slammed that door shut.  

My bright ray of sunshine has been filled in with some seriously cloudy skies.   We had a decision to make and at this point we only had two options.  The most logical being for the kids and I to stay here in STL while Steve is gone for the next year or the more impulsive decision, to move back to Omaha and find a rental or stay with my parents for the next year.  

This is when the emotional tornado took me down.  I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried some more.  I knew that the logical decision was for the kids and I to stay here.  I knew that it would be less work for everyone involved.  But, I just couldn't cope with the fact that I was going to be farther away from family than the last deployment and this deployment would be over twice as long as last time.  I tried to be strong and make peace with this decision.  I tried to dry up my tears so my kids wouldn't see what a mess their momma was.  I tried to hide my sadness and act like nothing was wrong.  We went on with our evening and had a birthday dinner for my sweet first born who was turning 13.  

That night after everyone went to bed, Steve and I were left to talk through the situation, the tears began to flow again.  Steve wanted to pray together and sleep on our decision and see what answers God would give us in the morning.  I just couldn't pray.  I couldn't even catch a breath, I was crying so hard.  Steve prayed for the both of us while I sobbed.  I had to get out of bed and go back down stairs and deal with this.  A few minuets later Steve followed me and held me while I sobbed for what seemed like forever.  At some point that night, emotional exhaustion set in and we went to bed even though my body was still shaking from crying so hard.  

The morning brought no peace to the situation and the turmoil that I was feeling went all the way to soul.  We prayed again and decided to take a little more time to make our decision.  

Over the course of the day I realized that I already had my answer.  I need support!  True.  Loving.  Support.  The kind of support that comes from people that actually love you.  My reaction in and of itself was proof that I needed my family.  I know that I can totally make it through this deployment by myself.  But, the reality that I don't have to, is HUGE!  The Air Force will pay for our family to move where ever we want to move for the next year....and I choose "home!"  The decision had been made...The kids and I will move back to Nebraska.